I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
