Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
