fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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