It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
