you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my being single is dangerous.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
