omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
