grandma shit on top of the toilet
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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