I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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