oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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