We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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