Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
