I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
