and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
