we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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