but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
