I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
