JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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