Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
