I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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