anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
