So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
