...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
