I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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