I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
