I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i dont even know how to be here
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You ate ashes out of my bong
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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