I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
