When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
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