piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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