She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
