and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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