You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
