Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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