Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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