I got chris browned last night
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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