we have officially lost it.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
