There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
