the condom got lost in my hair
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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