SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
