How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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