Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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