If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
