I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
