Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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