Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I miss vodka workout Fridays
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
