so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
