so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
