bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
