Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
