I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
