maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
