First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
